At my wedding shower thirty years ago, my dear friend’s mother grabbed my hand and looked straight into my eyes.

“Mind yourself,” she whispered. Fiercely.

Her name was Mary Murphy. She was eighty years old, and came to America from Ireland when she was sixteen. A mother of nine, Mrs. Murphy knew a thing or two about minding herself.

It took me thirty years, but today, I finally understand what Mrs. Murphy was desperate to tell me. “Mind yourself” means to take care of yourself. Protect yourself. Be mindful about what kind of person you choose to trust. Mind yourself, and avoid being abused.

Today, I work every day with people escaping abusive relationships. My work has taught me that abusers are all the same.

• Their motivation is the same: Control.

• While every story of abuse is different, the foundational elements of abuse are always the same: MANIPULATION, INTIMIDATION, ISOLATION, and ENTITLEMENT.

• These four pillars are the formula of abuse. It’s a recipe. The ingredients do not change.

• Once you learn this recipe, you will not only recognize abuse, you will smell it from a mile away.

In The Mind Yourself Handbook, you will learn the formula, the recipe, of abuse. You will see the red flags. Put names to the tactics of control, and identify the pattern of behavior.

At its core, abuse is a betrayal of trust. Mind yourself, and you’ll never trust the wrong person again.